What happens you become a parent...

You spend Saturday nights doing stuff like this...

I'm Back Bitches and I'm Going To Tell You Why Modern Day Parents Suck....

    Life caught up with me and I haven't taken the time to get all of these angry thoughts out of my head so I've decided to start blogging again. Why do I have angry thoughts in my head? Because nowadays being a good parent sucks. First off there are far too many lazy worthless people having kids that think you are insane for expecting your child to not be a fat, disrespectful little shit. Secondly, you have to fear for your damn life that if you happen to discipline your child in public, someone is going to call the police. I'm not talking about beating your kids here folks...I mean something as simple as raising your voice. 

Now to get to the main point for this post....

The IPad

    The IPad has turned into the modern day nanny, allowing parents across the world to ignore their children. Yes, I know that IPads have some great learning apps for kids and thats not really my problem with them. My issue is with parents that use it as a tool to keep their children entertained so that they aren't bothering them. Even with the learning apps available on IPads, multiple studies have proven that children turn into mindless little zombies with little to no respect for adults when they spend a lot of time on them. For those parents that justify their children spending hours upon hours on these baby brain numbing devices by pointing out their educational benefits, I say this. Get your ass of Facebook and teach your children yourself. Parents would be shocked to find out that, yes, you can teach little Bobby yourself without a teaching degree. 

    An even more alarming trend are the number of parents giving IPads to toddlers and babies. Seriously folks, what in the hell does a 2 year old need an IPad for? 

    These are usually the same parents that bring the little tikes IPad with them everywhere they go. EVERYWHERE. IPads at the supermarket, in restaurants, movies. You name it, I've seen it. What better way to show the rest of society that you don't have any control over your children in public, so instead you choose to keep them occupied. Whatever happened to teaching your kids how to behave like respectable children? Usually you can find these parents glued to their IPhone, completely ignoring their children anyway. 

    Moving on...their is also an alarming trend of new IPad holding devices out on the market. Most of these are just sickening. You can find everything from bouncy chairs made for babies, to the almost absurd device I've pictured below.

    Now, I personally, would find such a device marvelous for a full sized toilet. But as a potty training aid?! Really?! Especially for boys, I can foresee this leading to disaster in their later years. You see, men are genetically ingrained to spend long amounts of time, reading damn near anything, on the toilet. Its a natural safe haven for men. When the nagging of your wife and the whining of your kids gets too much to handle....its time for a bowel movement. On average, most men spend 8-14 minutes on the toilet. In 20 years, little boys that were potty trained are going to be spending hours on the toilet. Can you say ruined marriages directly as a result of IPad enabled potty training?

In summary, parents need to spend time with their children and get IPads out of their faces. Otherwise, they are going to turn into little zombies that will spend immense amounts of time on the toilets as adults. 

Babies don't belong on roller coasters

**NOTE: Not my baby.

One of the phenomenons that occurs with first time parents is that they get so excited that all common sense goes out the window. (Unless the parents were dumb asses to begin with.) They take their poor newborns out to do things that most one year olds aren't doing. I've heard of parents putting infants on merry-go-rounds, miniature horse rides, etc. Some parents even take it a step further and try to teach an infant that can't walk (or even crawl) how to play sports. If the absurdity of this doesn't surprise you, then you are probably one of those parents.

Babies should do four things during their first six months of life. Eat, sleep, pee, and poop. Thats about it. They are babies. This reminds me of something else that fascinates me.

If you are a parent you have probably seen commercials for products that teach your kids how to talk real young. If you don't have a kid, 3 years old or older, this probably seems like a great idea. The reality is that, it is the stupidest thing you could ever do. Once a child learns how to talk they don't stop. EVER. From the time their little eyes open until they fall asleep its a constant stream of screamed gibberish. Why would anyone want to start that early?

I'm sure you also know parents that have tried teaching their babies everything under the sun from the time they are born. A lot of those parents end up getting disappointed by their children and give up on them. I've found its a far better strategy to set low goals for your children. That way you'll be thrilled when they far exceed your expectations!

Don't look at me like I'm a queer for carrying my baby in a wrap. I'm a war veteran.

Before Noah was born Brooke started talking about Baby Wearing. At that point in time I thought it was some sort of gypsy thing. After researching it I discovered the Sleepy Wrap. It looked pretty cool and got good reviews so I ordered Brooke one. It wasn't until several months later until I actually thought about putting it on.

I had come home from a long day at work, Brooke was school, Noah was fussy, and I had to make dinner. After several failed attempts to cheer him up I decided to try the sleepy wrap. To my surprise he immediately got quiet. Not only was I able to cook dinner but I was also able to vacuum before he woke up. I was instantly a fan. During Noah's first year I carried him in it several times and each and every time it was a success.

Fast forward a couple of years and Belle is born. Brooke went down to Orlando to run the Disney Half Marathon when Belle was 4 months old and I stayed home with the kids. One day while she was gone I had to go to Wal-Mart and I figured the easiest thing to do would be to grab the sleepy wrap. Anyway, the kids and I are now walking around Wal-Mart running errands and I was getting the strangest looks from everyone. Eventually we get to the back of the store and my temper has already started to rise. It was then that I was confronted by two old women; one of which thankfully informed me that my baby was suffocating. Can you believe it? I almost killed my baby! Thank god she told me!

Anyway, I was pissed but I still had the piece of mind to tell her to mind her own business. So off we went to get Noah some Claritin. Thats when it happened. This tooth missing, mullet sporting piece of white trash approached me. (example below)


This guy leans in towards me and says, "You've got a lot of balls to be out like that in public. I wouldn't dare be caught doing something like that." I've got to admit I was so shocked that it took me a second to compose myself. I quickly ran through a list of responses in my head. Once I realized that it wouldn't be smart to attack someone in Wal-Mart with Belle strapped to my chest, I informed him that I was a former Marine and an OIF veteran and didn't give two shits what he thought.

Moral of the story is that appearances can be deceiving.
For newborns, I would recommend the Sleepy Wrap: http://www.sleepywrap.com/ For bigger kids, I would recommend the BobaWrap:
http://www.bobababycarrier.com/

Where did the madness begin?

My wife and I have two very darling children. Our son, Noah, just recently turned 3 and our daughter, Isabelle (Belle aka Gorg aka Pig) is about 8 months old. Both of our children have been dreams come true. Besides the fact that they are both good looking kids (what else would anyone expect from Brooke and I spawning children?) but they have both been absolute angels from the time they were born. Now, Noah is 3 so we are in the middle of a shit storm but he is a good kid. The reality is he acts just like me which is why we clash so much. Anyway, as I was saying...angels.

From the time both of them were born they have both slept through the night. Yes, we had some rough times (Belle is allergic to dairy and it took us a while to figure that out) but for the most part they have slept real good. We haven't been lucky either....it is the result of good parenting. (I'll go over sleeping conditions in a future post.) Babies are easy to raise, you just have to know how to do it. My wife and I both read countless books before our Noah was born. I was deployed to Iraq and would work a 16 hr shift to go back to my trailer and read parenting books that friends and family had sent me. Very quickly I realized that every book claimed to be the "authority" on parenting and they were all very different. To be successful my wife and I would have to try different ideas from each book and see what worked with our son. I can't tell you how many times over the first year of my sons life this worked for us. You have to try different things with babies and there isn't one solution that works for every child. However, there are some easy steps to take when your newborn starts crying that most new parents simply forget or are too tired to think about.

1. Is the baby hungry? When was the last time you fed your baby?
2. Is the babies diaper dirty or wet? I would cry if I had on a wet, shit filled diaper too and so would you.
3. is the baby tired? You can't keep the little tike up all day.
4. Is the baby comfortable? And yes, this one is geared towards all of the moms that put absolutely ridiculous stuff on babies. Would you want to be dressed up in some stupid thing that rubs your skin raw because someone thinks it looks cute? I think not.

Some of these topics will be addressed in future posts. The reason for this post though is to give you some idea of where I'm coming from and where the title of the blog came from. Which leads me to church...

One day in church I noticed this darling baby girl (couple of months old) that was a little fussy. Her mother sat there throughout church frowning and grimacing at this precious little girl. All I could think about throughout the entire service was, "smile at your baby bitch". Babies feed off of your emotions (yes, I read this in a book). Try calming down a screaming baby while your are tense, angry, yelling, etc. Fact is it is not going to happen. Since the day both of our children have been born, I have smiled at them every chance I get. Whether I'm sad, mad, whatever. I smile and guess what? We have the happiest kids in the world.